Dude, it’s so hot. Why cant Washington D.C. be in L.A.?
—David Vallejo while walking through D.C.
On The Holiest of the High Holy Days
Yesterday marked the 24 year anniversary of my glorious, yet wet and messy (and knowing my mother, profanity laced) entrance to the world.
In deference to this momentous day, I held a secret contest to see who would be the first to wish me a “Happy Birthday”
This year the title goes to:
Desiree Wieters of San Antonio, Texas
Congratulations Desi, your prize is the honor of holding the title “Best Friend” for the next calender year.
1st Runner Up:
Dayman Sommers of Kokomo, Indiana
Dayman was also the winner of the “Virtual Contest” being the first to send me a message via the interweb. This makes him my “Best Internet Friend”, unfortunately that doesn’t really count for much.
Honorable Mention goes to Jennifer Franks of San Antonio, Texas. Although technically first, because her tidings were received at 9:16 p.m. Alaska Standard Time unfortunately she had to be disqualified per contest bylaws.
Last place: The 6.6 billion people who did not contact me. This includes my brothers. And David Vallejo. But not Mandy Moore, she has a lot on her mind.
Thanks to all those who participated, better luck next year.
At the airport in Juneau, AK.
“I’ll tell you what boy, as far as I’m concerned, you’re getting off light. I could have hit you with the maximum fine, but seein’ as this is a first offense I’ll go easy on ya.”
Dodgers Win The Pennant! Dodgers win the Pennant!
I’m going to warn you ahead of time, this post references Myspace. I know what you’re thinking, “Russ, you aren’t a 16 year old girl.” But, bear with me.
Most of the “friend” requests I receive are, for the most part, spam and I can usually weed these out pretty easily. Hot scantily clad women I’ve never met rarely want to be my friend.
But today I open my mail and see this:
Holy Crap!!
Orel Hershiser wants to be MY friend? THE Orel Hershiser from the Los Angeles Dodgers? The same Orel Hershiser that won the Cy Young Award and pitched 59 1/2 straight scoreless innings while leading the Dodgers to the World Series in 1988? I was instantly transformed back to my six year old self. Dreams of staying up past nine p.m. and being able to ride my bike ALL THE WAY around the block came rushing back. Also my dream that I would one day bring my mitt to a game at Dodger Stadium, and Tommy Lasorda’s eyes would scan the stands, point at me and say, “Him, we’ll give him a try.” To give you a better insight of my love for my beloved Dodgers growing up, I once wrote a short story in the first grade about a dinosaur baseball team, every player had the name of the current Dodger playing that position. Steve Sax Stegosaurus, Kirk Gibson Brontosaurus, Mike Scioscia Triceratops. You get the idea. I couldn’t tie my shoes or remember my phone number, but I could recall by memory the entire active roster by name, number or position. So, needless to say, this was a big moment for me. As I waited with baited breath for the page to load, my mind imagined what my future friendship with Orel “The Bulldog” Hershiser would have in store. Maybe touch football at the park? Teaching how to throw a mean slider, maybe?
But alas, it is only a band from Ventura. But their name is an homage to the great pitcher. So I added them. And they kinda suck.
Some advice for the menfolk
When in public, if you have the chance, use the ladies room. It’s always cleaner and sometimes has a couch.
The future you have tomorrow won’t be the same future you had yesterday.
—Chuck Palahniuk
Romance Languages
The word for gridlock in Italian is imbottigliamento. The word for egg sandwich is panino dell’uovo. That just sounds sensual. I could get laid just walking around talking about the breakfast I had while I sat in traffic.
Theory of Relativity
Apparently there is a theory that UFO’s are actually human tourists from the future and Jack the Ripper never died-he traveled back in time to kill his mother, to make himself immortal-and he is now the Pope. Kinda makes my theory that one day Mandy Moore will fall in love with me not seem so far-fetched after all.
